We set out today after lunch to find The Scale. But where to begin? We don't live in the most urban of areas. There is a Wal-Mart. There is a Target. There is also a mall. For the record: I cannot stand Target. They gave us a ton of crap when my wife and I tried to return items there as part of our wedding registry, and I will never forgive them for it. I've been in a Target three times since we got married, and each experience made me ill. I avoid it like the plague. Besides, that hell hole is always just a little higher-priced than anywhere else I shop (or so my lovely wife tells me).
Option two: like Target, Wal-Mart isn't my favorite either. Not for any specific reason, but I don't like going into a place with 300 of my closest friends, because "the trip to Wal-Mart" is a Weekend Event for a lot of people where we live. I don't like getting in the way of another person's Event. Besides, being a fat guy (for now), and buying a scale with a bunch of other fat people watching just seems weird. I'm picturing it like this:
Checkout Girl #1: "Woah, that fat dude bought a scale...I wish more of these fatty-fat-fatties bought scales."
Checkout Girl #2: "Do you think he'll actually use it?"
Checkout Girl #1: "No, but it's a step in the right direction, maybe..."
Checkout Girl #2: "I hope he bought a heavy-duty one, or he'll only get to step on it once!"
Checkout Girl #1: [laughs]
No thanks. I was determined to find The Scale without taking the easy (if uncomfortable) route out at Target or Wal-Mart. In case you were wondering, neither Target nor Wal-Mart are paying me to endorse their stores, LOL! I am also not paid to endorse any of the stores that are described in the balance of The Quest.
So that left the mall. Malls are also not my favorite, but at least there are a variety of stores to piss me off with what they have at the wrong price, so at least I wouldn't be bored. Right? Well, sort of. We started at Sears. Good ol' Sears. Home of Tools, home of Tires. Home of...no way in? WTH?! I forgot to mention it was raining all day. Thunder, lightning, sideways/upwards, pounding rain, flooding everywhere. I chose a door to enter Sears that looked good- there weren't any cars in the lot right near the door. Should've known better...the door was locked. There was a giant sign that explained why (two of them), but hey, it was raining, the spot was close, and I tried anyway. I did eventually get in- had to park further out than I would have liked, but whatever. Inside at last, I was really disappointed in Sears. The people were nice, but they really didn't have anything I needed. And, most importantly, they did not have The Scale. In fact, they had NO (zero, nada) scales. I was a little surprised.
So I left, family in tow, vowing to hit all of the department stores in the mall before breaking down and going to Wal-Mart. What followed was like a bad dream realized. 40 minutes walking from one end of the mall to the other and back. The Quest was becoming truly Epic.
Dillard's? No Scale. Strike One.
JCP? No Scale. Strike Two.
Belk? No Scale, Strike Three, and I'm beyond pissed.
Not a single scale in four stores? Are you kidding me?! I even went into a sports store and asked, and the guy said you can only get scales online. I thought that was an odd response, so I asked him if he thought (gasp) Wal-Mart would have them, and he replied that he was sure they did...but he said it as if he knew I was trying to avoid the place. Good telepathic moment for him. Or maybe it was the scowl of irritation as I spat the words "Wal-Mart" at him...[shrug]
Walking out of Belk, I spotted a Spencer Gifts. Because whoopee cushions and rubber dog poo make me grin, I figured a pass-through it would improve my mood. Heck, maybe they'd have a novelty scale that made fart noises or something. 30 seconds later, thoroughly amused by the sights at Spencer's, I walked out to find my family had vanished. I had my lovely wife corral the kids while I went into Spencer's, because, well, a seven-year-old and a five-year-old don't need to be looking at blow-up dolls and dildos. Sorry, but all of you parents in there with your kids? Shame, shame!
I started to walk toward where we'd parked the car, and I heard the sweetest of sounds. Like the mythical Sirens of the Odyssey, the honeyed voice of my lovely wife called me back toward Belk. I turned, looked up, and saw her coming out of the GNC. My eyes lit up, understanding immediately that this may have been our best bet all along.
She nodded. I inclined my head slightly. She nodded more vigorously. I raised an eyebrow at her. She started waving me forward while nodding. I realized I had stopped walking. She spoke, in a slightly less nectarous tone, "Come on- they have two in here!"
Down by the side of the checkout counter, behind two monster rows of protein powder, lay The Holy Scale. Well, TWO Holy Scales, identical. I don't know how she found them, kids in tow, bodybuilders pushing through the aisles. But she did.
Cue Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again..." as I march triumphantly (and decidedly not alone) out of GNC, and then out of the mall, out the wrong door, and into a long, rain-soaked walk to retrieve the car for my family.
And thus ends The Quest for The Holy Scale.
And thus BEGINS the need to start the weight game over again. With the new scale, assuming mine was really off like I thought it was, I will start iTransformation over again beginning with my new weight. As of tonight, I have lost zero pounds in Round 2. I'm closing out Round 1 tomorrow morning with whatever the new scale reveals.
So what's my weight now? I have no idea! Tune in later!